I'm a complicated human,
For my entire life, I have found it very difficult to do the simplest of things. I’m rarely with other people and often engrossed in one of the few activities that made me feel safe. That was creativity.
At school I was often disruptive and fussy. While I excelled at drawing and designing, I was prone to walking off during other classes or misbehaving. My mental health spiraled, and I spent my adolescence acting out, losing friends and hurting myself in various ways.
As an adult, the sights, sounds and smells of everyday existence still overwhelm me. I felt like I was quickly getting exhausted in other people’s company. I suffer from meltdowns but I had expected to grow out of being fussy or obsessive or angry, but I never did. My difficulties became a larger, less forgivable obstacle as I “grew up.”
I got a job in an office, and I quickly learned that my brain simply does not adhere to regular schedules or working patterns. I was finding things boring and 70% of the time I was just leaving these jobs. I fell apart and stopped functioning. I went weeks without doing anything, feeling so overwhelmed that I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
The agony I felt sitting still for eight hours a day, pretending to feel comfortable engaging in small talk or putting forward ideas in meetings, was a physical pain. It often wore me out so much that I went to bed as soon as I got home, I felt like a mini problem.
I feel like i'm in a video game with no end goal but to constantly stay alive.
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Thank you!